ICS Daily Devotions
Four Ways to React In a Conflict
Mark 11:15-17 So they came to Jerusalem. Then Jesus went into the temple and began to drive out those who bought and sold in the temple, and overturned the tables of the money changers and the seats of those who sold doves. And He would not allow anyone to carry wares through the temple. Then He taught, saying to them, “Is it not written, “My house shall be called a house of prayer for all nations’? But you have made it a ‘den of thieves.’ ”
There are four ways for us to handle a conflict in a relationship. We can work to win or yield, withdraw, compromise or resolve the conflict.
The win solution should be applied only when the issue at hand is a moral issue or a life and death issue. Jesus used it here as the temple of God was being used as a den of robbers. This is a spiritual matter between good and evil and the only way is to win. Yield when the issue at hand is not important to you but you know it is more important to the other party. Do not let the little foxes spoil the vines and let it go if it is no big issue.
To withdraw should only be a temporary action. It doesn’t resolve the conflict at hand but postpone the resolution of the issue to a more appropriate time. This is especially true when the person is very angry, not in the right state of mind to discuss the issue objectively.
In Mark 15:10-20 Jesus withdrew when he stood before the Pilate. It would not have helped to try to explain to the Pharisees as they were too stubborn in their own ways. It would be a waste time. As a modern example, it can be used an issue of drinking of hard liquor and wine till someone gets drunk and turn verbally and physicaly abusive. There is no point talking and arguing with someone who is under the influence of alcohol. It is better to sit down when the person is sober, rationale and ready to talk. Therefore, it is better to withdraw and wait for an opportune time to talk with the spouse. If it doesn’t work, then bring in a mediator to resolve the issue. One can ask a question: Is drinking or the marital relationship more important? It’s a no brainer question but many people will choose the former. It is silly and selfish!
You may compromise to help the other person give a little as well. But never compromise on your values and principles. This is one step in resolving an issue. In Luke 23:18-49, Pilate tried to use compromise initially but when the crowd was unwilling to compromise, he yielded. It would appear that Jesus yielded to the crowd, but in actual fact, it was to the Father that He yielded to. This is to enable a larger motive to be fulfilled.
For example, you would like to resign from your job to start a business but you are the sole bread winner. Your wife is uncomfortable with the idea because the children are still young and the combined saving is not very high. Your spouse suggested to wait for three more years until the youngest is past twelve years old and she is able to return to the work force to supplement the household income. You compromise so that she will be comfortable and stress point reduced.
Resolving is the best result in the conflict after two people discuss, listen, and arrive at a solution together. The solution could be an enhancement of one party’s initial suggestion. This tends to have the highest value. Both parties need to excel in the listening skills. Listening is also complete acceptance without judgment of what is said or how it is said. As covenant partners and being one flesh, we need to feel the pain and also empathize with our spouse regarding what concerns them rather than us.
Romans 13:8 Owe no one anything except to love one another, for he who loves another has fulfilled the law.
Romans 12:20 Therefore “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; If he is thirsty, give him a drink; For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.”
In the process of resolving a conflict, there are possibilities for us to use weapons to harm or defeat the other party. We need to have in mind that it is not about winning but loving and overcoming the conflict! Therefore we need to know the possible weapons and how to handle anger.
We need to always remember that we are one flesh as husband and wife. Nobody will hurt himself or herself neither does covenant partners attack each other. We do not always have to win a conflict unless it has to do with biblical or moral values and principles. There are times when we need to yield, compromise and resolve the conflict to the best of our abilities. We need to always live out of the values and principles that we have learned from the Word of God and apply them into our relationships.
Sermon Series: Before You Say I Do
